| It is a typical intake session. Parents are bringing the | | | | are - responsibility, challenges, goal setting, gratitude |
| teen to therapy because he is failing in school, is | | | | for opportunities, and self-confidence based upon real |
| disobedient, breaks home and school rules, uses foul | | | | life accomplishments. |
| language, and lacks any sense of personal | | | | Children need to experience challenges throughout |
| responsibility. Upon further questioning by the | | | | development. Learning to overcome everyday |
| therapist, parents describe a home life that is filled | | | | challenges increases one's sense of competence and |
| with tension because the teen stays up all night | | | | enables one to try out new behaviors and take |
| playing on the computer, refuses to join in family | | | | appropriate risks. It starts with simple things like |
| activities, sleeps through the day on weekends, and | | | | feeding oneself and tying one's shoes. It progresses |
| will not help with any household chores. Although | | | | to doing homework independently, learning to plan |
| parents work hard all week, they are unable to leave | | | | and organize events, and applying for jobs. The |
| the house unattended on weekends because they | | | | individual who does no independent work has no |
| are afraid of what will happen when they are gone. | | | | sense of personal accomplishment. |
| Neither punishment nor rewards seem to work and | | | | Children need to experience life as an important |
| the parents fear for the future. | | | | part of a family system and that includes participation |
| Parents state that they are hurt and disappointed at | | | | in household responsibilities. Even very young children |
| the blatant disrespect because all they require of the | | | | are capable of doing simple chores such as putting |
| adolescent is that he does well in school; his | | | | clothes in a drawer or straightening a bedcover. All |
| education is his only job. Everything else is provided | | | | children as they grow should and can learn how to |
| for the teen's comfort - bedroom, electronic goodies, | | | | cook, clean, and wash clothing. Life skills are an |
| television, spending money, his wardrobe, his favorite | | | | important part of becoming independent. These |
| foods, preferred grooming aids, bikes, skateboards, | | | | types of activities also help the child feel that his |
| off road vehicles, and car. | | | | work is valued by the household. |
| As part of the intake session the therapist asks the | | | | Children need to understand and respect the |
| parents to describe their respective histories: families | | | | value of material goods. When an individual earns an |
| of origin, educational opportunities, and life challenges. | | | | item, he is far more likely to value it and to take care |
| It is a rare case when a parent describes an idyllic | | | | of it. Furthermore, an overabundance of "STUFF" |
| upbringing. For most, parents relate stories of hard | | | | makes it harder to appreciate any one object and |
| work, goals developed, and challenges met and | | | | also interferes with the child's ability to keep a neatly |
| overcome through individual effort. Some have | | | | organized personal space. |
| backgrounds that include immigration stories and early | | | | Finally, children need to understand that respect is |
| poverty. Many, many parents state that they want | | | | earned and that mutual respect is based upon a |
| their child to struggle less, feel less emotional pain, | | | | foundation of good communication. Use of bad |
| and to accomplish more than they did. Furthermore, | | | | language, sarcasm, and a disrespectful tone interferes |
| they see education as the road to future success for | | | | with good communication and leads to hurt feelings. |
| their children. | | | | All children need to be taught the basics of polite |
| Unfortunately, parents' good intentions create the | | | | discourse. When children first begin to speak they |
| very circumstances that sabotage their dreams. | | | | can be taught basic manners along with the |
| Unlike his parents, the teen has no sense of | | | | knowledge of when to use formal versus informal |
| accomplishment because he has little opportunity to | | | | language. As older children, parents need to make it |
| face personal obstacles and successfully overcome | | | | clear that yelling and use of profanity towards family |
| them. He has no idea of how much things cost, | | | | members is not acceptable and will result in |
| because everything is freely given to him. As a result, | | | | immediate negative consequences. |
| he also has no respect for parents' hard work; he | | | | In the end, parents have tremendous personal power |
| does not see the connection between work and | | | | in the direction the child takes. As role models for |
| money. He sees parents as automatic teller machines | | | | responsible behavior, parents set the tone for family |
| and feels entitled to life's comforts without any | | | | interactions. Parents that have appropriately high |
| strings. He feels entitled to the good things in life for | | | | expectations for behavior help their children |
| no other reason than that he exists. | | | | understand that independence and material goods |
| Does it have to be like this? How can parents raise | | | | must be earned through responsibility. Affluence |
| children to become responsible, hard working, resilient | | | | without responsibility is a recipe for selfishness and |
| adults? Love is not enough. The answers lie in the | | | | promotes a lifelong sense of entitlement. |
| very experiences that made the parents who they | | | | |